Father of the Bride blog

Jacksonville Woman Wins A Fat Boy

bkrueger — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:12:07 -0400

Now that's a headline.

And that's really the only reason for this post, to cite that headline from the latest press release from the state lottery. It was touting a woman who won a lottery drawing for a Harley-Davidson Fat Boy motorcycle.

Hey, it's Friday afternoon and the weekend is calling.

The Honeymoon

danbarkin — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 16:29:04 -0400

In case anyone is still reading this thing, Hil and Travis are on their honeymoon on a slow boat to Alaska. Here's a link to their blog.

My work here is done

danbarkin — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:55:02 -0400

At the altar, getting ready to kiss Hilary and sit down.

Courtesy of Bruce McCarthy

Them dancing lessons paid off

danbarkin — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:37:25 -0400

Hil and Travis

danbarkin — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:04:24 -0400

Courtesy of Bruce McCarthy

Walking down the aisle

danbarkin — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 17:50:35 -0400

courtesy of Bruce McCarthy

Pictures

danbarkin — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 09:23:56 -0400

The pictures of the wedding and the reception are located at http://pro-pix.smugmug.com. Bruce McCarthy took a lot of terrific photos. Click on "Weddings" and then "Hilary & Travis."

Wedding over. Reception over. And I'm all in.

danbarkin — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 23:13:33 -0400

I walked my daughter down the aisle several hours ago and boy those rental shoes are hurting my feet.

That's the line I said I'd write when I wrote my column for the paper a couple of weeks ago.

And it fits. Although I am now sitting at my kitchen table in bare feet. But they do hurt.

It is a few minutes past 11 p.m. on Saturday night. My daughter started the day Hilary Barkin and ends it Hilary Holtzhauser.

Here are some highlights:

* I got the willies walking down the aisle with Hilary. But I delivered my one line "Her mother and I" and got seated without incident.

* Reception was, by consensus, a good party. Everyone seemed to have a blast.

* I caught the bouquet the first time Hilary threw it. Sailed right over the bridesmaids. The second time she abandoned the heater and threw the slow overhand curve with better results.

* Our bridal party swing dance routine went off well. My fears were unfounded.

* Hilary and I danced to "My Girl."

We have a brunch for family tomorrow at our house. Sunday afternoon, the tux has to be back at Crabtree. Our kitchen is filled with flowers.

That is all I can muster right now. I am tired. I am older. I am done.

At the church

danbarkin — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 14:54:30 -0400

I finished writing the toast. Sitting in the church, whilst the photographer is taking pictures of hil and the bridesmaids. Not much to do but sit and wait. There's lots of activity but I'm pretty much furniture.An hour to go.

Five hours to go

danbarkin — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 11:26:31 -0400

It was in the high 90s. The rehearsal dinner was at Hilary's house, outdoors. Travis' family got a big tent, and had fans going. We had a pig, courtesy of Buddy, the Holtzhauser's next door neighbor, he of the Pig Cooker 5000 that I described last Thanksgiving.

My Uncle Richard and Shirley made it up from Florida. Their presence put me of mind of my rehearsal dinner in 1979, when they came down with my parents from Massachusetts to Southwest Virginia.

I am composing my toast. Hilary and the bridesmaids are at the church, having their hair done. In a few minutes, I will lay out my tux. Then I will review the index card that has the dance steps on it.

Yesterday, driving between the tux store at Crabtree and the Rack Room at White Oak (where I bought some Timberlands), I visualized walking down the aisle and got a little verklempt. I am well-known for not getting verklempt.

The lesson is that emotion have their own agenda, beyond your control.

Rehearsal

danbarkin — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:58:42 -0400

We're practising the walk down the aisle. The church is decorated. The musicians are at the ready. Here we go.

One day

danbarkin — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 12:43:10 -0400

I am taking a vacation day today to attend to a variety of chores.

I just mowed the yard. It is 99 degrees out.

I am drenched.

I have to go to Crabtree Valley Mall to pick up my tux. George has already pick up his, the woman at the store told me.

Katherine has run over to Hilary's house with some essentials. I have to get the oil changed in her car.

The rehearsal is around 6:30 at the church, and the rehearsal dinner is at 7:30 at Hilary's.

My sister got in last night from Rochester, and her children and their spouses are coming in today.

27 hours until the wedding.

Two days

danbarkin — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 07:53:13 -0400

In the Westerns, two sentries are standing guard at Fort Apache, and one says: "Quiet out there tonight." And the other one says, "Yeah. Too quiet." A moment later, an arrow comes flying in, and chaos ensues.

So it is quiet. But that means nothing.

On an unrelated subject, my sister is driving in today from Rochester, N.Y. with my brother-in-law. They spent the night in Richmond. She was emailing me all the way down from her iPhone, which is way cooler than my first generation Blackberry. How come I can't have an iPhone? Margie has an iPhone.

Today I have about a jillion things to get finished, including my Saturday column and an in-basket that is overflowing. I'm taking tomorrow off, with my major chores to pick up tuxes and go over the lawn one more time, although it doesn't really look like it needs it, but might by Sunday's brunch if I don't cut it, and we don't want the grass to look high when the out-of-town guests come over because I don't want anyone should talk. There will be other assignments, I'm certain.

I may forget to do this in the next couple of days, so I wanted to make sure and thank those of you who have been reading this since last fall. This has been an educational experience for me and I hope it has been a pleasant diversion for you.

Operation Enduring Nuptials/Communique #1

danbarkin — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 09:18:16 -0400

My Hilary, who is nothing if not organized, has just issued the first Official Wedding Communique via email to all relevant parties. I just got my copy as a Word attachment. Here it is. I have omitted the Sarbanes-Oxley Safe Harbor disclaimers and other legal boilerplate. All times are DST and are expected to be followed precisely, even those followed by "ish," which is not an excuse for dilly-dallying. Travis. Dad. George. Further instructions may follow. That is all:

Wedding Itinerary

Friday, June 6, 2008

Bridesmaid manicures—3pm @ Katherine Barkin’s house

Set up sound equipment @ reception hall—3pm

Music practice---5-6:30 flute choir, Crystal & Christian, Janna & Mike? Lisa & Crystal, Kenny B (at the church)

Wedding Rehearsal--6:30

Rehearsal dinner--7:30ish

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Girls getting ready at church--11:00 am (w/ Lila & Amy Catherine)

Guys getting ready in unknown locations—1 pm

Pre-wedding photos--2-3:15 (wedding party at church by 2 pm)

Wedding--4:00

Wedded bliss—4:45ish

Reception 5:30ish (possible pictures in the garden at Landmark…TBD)

Leave reception hall—9:30pm

Are you ready?

danbarkin — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 12:19:38 -0400

That's a question everyone asks me. In the hallways, in meetings, at lunch.

Yeah, I'm ready. I mean, what's the big deal? I get the tux, I walk down the aisle. the preacher asks, "Who gives this woman," and I answer, "Me." Then I shake Travis' hand and sit down.

Not a lot to it.

I guess what they mean am I ready emotionally, psychologically. I would say yes. It would be different if Hilary was moving to another state. But she will be living about 10-15 minutes away.

It will be jarring to go by her empty bedroom, just as it is jarring to go into my son's empty bedroom. That's when I feel it. Weddings are weddings. They come and they go. Empty bedrooms are something you see every day.

Even when your kids go away to college, their bedrooms at home are reserved for them, sort of a permanent guaranteed late arrival. Even if they don't come home in the summer. George's room is still George's room, no matter that he shares an apartment now, on a year-round basis, with his buddies while he goes to N.C. State.

When a child leaves home for good, after they have set up their own, after-college household, the bedroom doesn't empty out immediately. There are things in the closet, stuff in the desk. Eventually, your children get around to taking items out. You are left with a residual, and eventually you go in and toss the stuff or put it up in the attic.

I'm ready for the wedding. Not the empty bedrooms.

Four days and counting. The shuttle is rolling out to the pad.

Keeping busy

danbarkin — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 05:55:33 -0400

There are few things as irrelevant to the wedding as the father of the bride. But I have found some things to keep me busy.

I put down mulch outside. Yes, I am about two months behind the rest of the neighborhood, and the homeowners' association has had its eye on me.
But now there is fresh mulch in the front, whereas my neighbors' mulch has been weathered by the rays of the spring sun.

I raked up all the leaves out of the backyard that have been sitting there since last fall. That took me around four weekends.

I cleaned up the garage.

I cleaned up my home office.

I have described this to my wife as the reverse-nesting phenomenon. This is the opposite of what happens when a woman is about to go into labor. Both times, when my wife was very close to giving birth, she started vacuuming the house. This is, according to lore, a sign that childbirth is near. Now, I am preparing my household for the marriage of my daughter, or more specifically, for the brunch on Sunday for out-of-town guests. I don't want anyone should show up at our house and see a cluttered garage.

Saturday was the bridesmaids' luncheon. I was not there, of course, but Katherine was thoughtful enough to bring some sandwiches home for me in a little box.

Sunday night, Hilary and Travis ate dinner with us. Afterwards, I helped Travis wrestle a china cabinet down from the attic to his pickup for their new house.

It is five days until the wedding. Friday, I will go with my son and pick up our tuxes. The rehearsal is early Friday evening and the rehearsal dinner is Friday night.

I haven't written my toast yet, but there is time.

Last dance lesson

danbarkin — Fri, 30 May 2008 15:35:54 -0400

Went swimmingly. Most of the session was taken up with Travis and Hilary discussing what their move would be in the wedding party's major dance number. We start out doing something and then Hilary and Travis come up the middle, and there was a lot of back and forth over what they would do. Travis favored the robot, but that's not what they ended up with. I can't describe it.

More to come.

The toast

danbarkin — Tue, 27 May 2008 17:35:46 -0400

I forgot until yesterday that I have to give a toast at the reception. I should say something memorable but not too memorable.

Here is my rough outline:

1. Thank everyone who had any role in the wedding. Especially my wife and Travis' mother. Don't forget to mention them.

2. Funny story about Hilary. I will have to pore through the Hilary archives in the attic, including the boxes that have every homework assignment from Grade 1 through Grade 12, plus every award and citation. The archives are voluminous.

3. Sage advice based on my 29 years of marriage.

4. Pithy quote from Bartlett's or Ephesians.

5. Drink

Two weeks

danbarkin — Sat, 24 May 2008 16:26:20 -0400

I'm at the oil change place thinking that two weeks from right now Iwill be walking her down the aisle.

I have gotten much better

danbarkin — Fri, 23 May 2008 16:31:48 -0400

Everyone remarked at the dance lesson last night how much better I'm doing. My method: I finally broke down and wrote all the steps on an index card, with little squiggles indicating whether I am turning my wife clockwise or counterclockwise.

I also practiced with Hilary our daddy-daughter dance, and she pronounced me "sweaty." It was hot in the room where we were practicing, and I sweat. Sue me.

Tonight I am going to watch George play at the Berkeley. His band is warming up for a Grateful Dead cover band. Here is their MySpace page.

Sic transit Noodle

danbarkin — Sat, 17 May 2008 23:44:04 -0400

Hilary just left with Noodle, to take ~~him~~ her to ~~his~~ her new home in the Cleveland suburb of Clayton. Let us just say that no tears were shed, least of all by the two incumbent cats in this household, who have barely tolerated ~~him~~ her for several months. Hilary came and got me so I could say goodbye to the little thug.

Katherine made sure that Hilary and Travis have enough food, which means that our pantry is bare.

This morning, we ate at the Rockin' Comet for breakfast, and at the table next to us were some grandparents and their grand-rugrats. The rr's were making lots of noise. One of the kids smacked the waitress on the butt. I saw my future.

The Barkin family may still not be welcome at Smithfields BBQ on Brightleaf Blvd. due to a spillage incident involving Hilary and George around 10 years ago.

Here is a link to the column I wrote today in the N&O.

House

danbarkin — Fri, 16 May 2008 09:30:29 -0400

1. Hil and Travis closed on their house yesterday. Travis showed me the keys.

2. The dance lesson went better yesterday. Although there was some eye-rolling, I wrote down the steps on a legal pad, because that was the only way I could break down the Swing dance she is trying to teach us. Then I borrowed Bill's camcorder and videotaped the instructor, and Bill (Travis' father), posted it on Youtube so I can break it down further. Hey, this is the only way I can learn.

3. I learned the box step that I am going to dance with Hilary at the reception, and I am doing better with that than the Swing.

4. Last night I dreamed that I'm scheduled to do a solo of Ave Maria at the wedding. Fortunately, there are lots of versions of this on Youtube, so I think I'll be ready if called on. This is puzzling on several levels, not the least of which is the fact that I'm Jewish. Also, my daughter is Methodist, Travis is Methodist, and the wedding is in a Methodist church, and I don't think they do Ave Maria.

Marriage license

danbarkin — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:30:49 -0400

My wife tells me that Hilary and Travis are getting their marriage license. As usual, I wasn't listening closely enough, but I think it might be today or tomorrow.

Shower at the church

danbarkin — Sun, 11 May 2008 12:51:38 -0400

Lots of hot dogs. Lots of presents. But I get ahead of myself.

Yesterday was a challenging one. At 7 a.m., we got a call that Katherine's brother Joe was going into emergency surgery at WakeMed. Joe, who is a farmer in Clinton, had about a 98 percent blockage in his carotid artery, and had been having a series of mini-strokes for a day. On Saturday morning, he couldn't do much on one side.

Finally, the docs decided to go in and fix the problem. So Katherine and I were in the waiting room at the CCU with Joe's wife, Nancy.

Around 11, Joe came out of surgery and -- what do you know -- he could wiggle all his fingers and lift his leg. He was Joe, a little groggier than usual, but still Joe. Joe's daughters and his son-in-law and my mother-in-law showed up, and everyone was very relieved.

Around 11:15, I ducked out to go to Marbles, the kids museum in downtown Raleigh, where we were having a launch party for TriangleMom2Mom.com , the new web site that the News & Observer has just created for local moms. I hung around there for two hours and pretty much got in the way. Towards the end, N.C. State's school of education was having their graduation for new elementary ed majors. They lined up in front of our booth and marched into one of the meeting rooms.

Then I went home, took a nap, and was awakened by Katherine because it was time to go to the church for the 6 p.m. shower. The shower was very nice. Hilary and Travis sat at the front and opened presents with the help of a two-year-old girl who squealed loudly every time a new gift was opened. Which reminded me of how Hilary used to act at her birthday parties when she was very little. Her birthday is in late July, so by the time presents would be opened, Hilary would be a sweaty little thing building a huge pile of wrapping paper and bows as she tore through the trove, squealing.

I left out the most important part, which is that Hilary got her pictures made in her bridal gown at the arboretum at State yesterday morning. She looked very bride-like last night, with a tan, and hair all done up and with bride-picture makeup.

When the shower was over, Katheine and I drove the presents back home and brought them into the house. Hilary's cat Noodle was very curious about the packages.

And that is all I have for you now. I was hoping to mow the yard today, but it's too wet, and so I have asked my son George, who is between the end of finals and the start of a summer job, to take care of the grass tomorrow.

27 days til the wedding.

29 days to the wedding

danbarkin — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:09:20 -0400

Hilary has put me in charge of figuring out the transportation from the church to the reception. Evidently, this means something better than my Buick. The problem is different depending on whether it's just Hilary and Travis, or if we want to take the whole bridal party. Or maybe just the bridesmaids and Hilary and Travis.

The more people involved, the more complicated the logistics, because their cars will be at the church, and they will have to find a ride back or we will have to take them in the rented conveyance back all at once, which may not work. I'm thinking that we will work this out somehow.

At my wedding in 1979, the reception was in the same hotel as the wedding ceremony, so it wasn't an issue. Katherine and I hopped in my Mustang when the reception was over. We got pulled by a cop because my windshield was covered with shaving cream applied by my best man and his cronies.

Third dance lesson was last night.

32 days to the wedding

danbarkin — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:19:05 -0400

I'm waiting for the primary results to come in. Lots of activity in the newsroom. Pizza will be ordered soon, because you can't do an election night in a newsroom without pizza.

There are 32 days until the wedding. The larger significance of this is that we will soon be saying goodbye to Noodle, Hilary's cat. Noodle will be traveling over to the Cleveland community of Johnston County, around 10 miles away, to live with Hilary and Travis.

Ever since Hilary graduated from the City College of Chapel Hill in December, she has been living with us, which we, of course, love because she is a wonderful child.

Noodle, on the other hand .....

We already had two cats, Baby and Puddy. Noodle, even though she is small, is a wiry little thug who loves to pick a fight with the incumbent cats. Baby pretty much established his turf early on, and Noodle doesn't mess much with him. But Puddy didn't put the fear of God into Noodle early on, and Noodle loves to leap at Puddy and chase her around the house.

Noodle also has this tendency to attack my wife, Katherine. I was in the bonus room the other night, bonusing, when I heard this series of yelps coming from the downstairs, when Noodle was mugging Katherine's ankle with her teeth. The next day, Katherine asked me why I hadn't come to her aid.

I did think about it, but after 5-10 minutes, the screams subsided and so I figured that I could stay put.

Me and Sandra Bullock

danbarkin — Fri, 02 May 2008 08:12:35 -0400

I'm not getting any better. The Swing dance I understand in theory but in practice I am struggling with. First of all, you have to relax and focus on what you are doing, and I am tense and easily distracted.

Have you ever heard a baseball player talk about hitting? It's all about relaxing and not worrying about getting hit by a baseball thrown at 95 miles per hour, or what will happen if you strike out, or a hundred other things. When ballplayers say they are "seeing the ball good," that's shorthand for their ability to relax and shut everything out as they face the pitcher. That's why some people can hit major league pitching and the other 99.9 percent of the human race can't. It doesn't have to do with strength or catlike reflexes. It has to do with relaxation and focus.

This is not an unfamiliar situation for me. I don't play golf because I have never figured out how the backswing works. Have you ever watched a golf show? Where the guy goes: Do this, this, this, this and this and he drives the ball 300 yards straight down the fairway. I keep watching these shows, hoping to see how it works, but I can't ever see it. The few times I have tried to drive a golf ball it goes kerplink 10 yards, if i make contact at all. That's on the driving range. I can't imagine what would happen if I was in a foursome on a real golf course. I would curl up in a fetal position at the first tee.

This is also why I don't drive cars with a clutch. I have this fear of trying to work a clutch while sitting at a stoplight on a hill. I wonder if there are psychologists who work with people who are afraid of standard transmissions?

Last night, I was in a room with a half dozen other couples, all of whom are getting it, including my wife, who has been saddled with a tragically inept partner. I keep apologizing, and she is being a good sport because she knows I have my (many) good points.

The dance instructor -- this incredibly chipper dance instructor -- is attempting to choreograph us in an ambitious hybrid of Swing and Cha Cha that will amaze the guests at the reception. But I am falling further and further behind. I probably need to be in a remedial class for really, really bad dancers.

Do you remember Miss Congeniality, a movie in which Sandra Bullock is an FBI agent who goes undercover as Miss New Jersey to thwart a plot to harm contestants in a fictional Miss America contest in San Antonio? She had to learn a complicated dance step for the pageant's opening extravaganza, and, of course, she had never danced in her life, and looked it when the women were rehearsing. She would go right when everyone else was going left. She would miss turns and twirls. It seemed funny until I started taking dance lessons.

I looked like Sandra Bullock last night, metaphorically speaking.

Maybe it has to do with the way I learn. I have to break things down to their basics and write them down, step by step, before I understand them. If I don't understand one thing, I don't understand the whole thing. I ask a lot of questions. That makes it very tedious for people who are training me in something, but once I get it, I get it and don't forget.

So I think I will have to sit down with a legal pad and try to break down what I have seen and figure out what I am missing. I am worried now that I am going to mess up the dance at the reception. Walking down the aisle with Hilary used to be my big fear. Not anymore.

I am not seeing the ball good.

Now that's a reception

danbarkin — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 19:54:24 -0400

Katherine says to me this morning, here's one for your blog. It's on page 3A of the N&O. From the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette via the Associated Press. We ran the truncated version in our paper. Here's the full account:

A newlywed couple spent the night in separate jail cells - she in her wedding gown - after police said they brawled with each other, then members of another wedding party, at a suburban Pittsburgh hotel.

The fight started Saturday night after a reception when he knocked her to the floor with a karate kick in the seventh-floor hallway of a Holiday Inn and escalated when she attacked two guests from another wedding party who came to her aid, police said.

The melee moved to an elevator and then to the lobby, where the couple threw metal planters at the two good Samaritans, causing minor injuries, police charged.

"It was pretty wild," Ross police Sgt. Dave Syska said.

Dentist David W. Wielechowski, 32, of Shaler, and Christa Vattimo, 25, had married a month earlier in the Bahamas but repeated their vows Saturday at a reception for 150 guests. They were checking into their room when the argument began, police said.

Police arrived to find the dentist lying on the lobby floor and his bride, seemingly highly intoxicated, screaming.

Authorities charged each with simple assault, criminal mischief and disorderly conduct, and the bride with an additional count of public intoxication. They face a May 7 preliminary hearing.

A district judge considered issuing a restraining order against Wielechowski, but his new bride declined the measure.

The couple declined comment upon their release Sunday morning.

She left with her father, still dressed in her white gown.

Wielechowski left alone, sporting a swollen eye, tuxedo pants, a bloody T-shirt and one shoe.

Offer accepted

danbarkin — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 21:47:09 -0400

Hilary and Travis have had their offer accepted on a home. Finally. They say they may close in 3 weeks, which would be just in time for the wedding.

At family reunion

danbarkin — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 12:29:22 -0400

I'm sitting in a church in Sampson County, at the Butler family reunion. I am an honorary member by virtue of marrying in. Hilary isn't here....she's waiting to hear on the latest offer on a home. Hope this one is the charm.

Dance lesson

danbarkin — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 18:05:03 -0400

So we had our first dance lesson last night, at the church. We were taught the rudiments of Swing dancing and a little Merengue. I had difficulty turning Katherine in the Swing formation without hittting her on the head. We have several more lessons, and our instructor says I will get better.

I am not so sure. Where is Kevin Bacon when you really need him?

Update

danbarkin — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:20:36 -0400

Dance lessons start this week, I think. Somehow I have it in my head that it's Thursday. One of my household will let me know.

Hil and Travis made a second offer on another house. Which wasn't accepted. They are running into the phenomenon called "I know what my house is worth and I won't let facts get in the way."

I think they are in the final stages on the flowers.

If I sound vague, work has me busy.

Not much happening

danbarkin — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:03:56 -0400

We're on the glide path now...worrying about details...what will breakfast be like the morning after the wedding for out of town guests, etc. Hil and Travis still looking at houses...Things will probably pick up... In a completely unrelated matter, last Saturday I spent two hours collecting outside the Knightdale Bojangles for the food bank. I write about it in my N&O column this Saturday.

New Moms Site

danbarkin — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 21:55:00 -0400

Check out our new moms site ... it's in beta... trianglemom2mom.com

Wedding Bloopers

danbarkin — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 18:06:44 -0400

Here are some misadventures at weddings.

Lucky bride

danbarkin — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 12:32:42 -0400

A Cary woman, Julia Sirkova, was looking at a wedding planning web site in March when she registered at OurWeddingDay.com. Julia became the 100,000th bride to do so, according to the site, and here's what she won: A honeymoon worth $1,500, a wedding gown, free wedding photography and a few other goodies. Ms. Sirkova is engaged to Hakeem Smith.

According to the press release, they met through mutual friends and got engaged in her home town of Bardejov, Slovak Republic. They will be getting married next month at Topsail Beach. You can see pictures of them here.

House update

danbarkin — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 19:49:18 -0400

Hil and Travis made an offer on the house in Wilson's Mill, but it went to another buyer who had a contingency contract on it. A disappointment, but there are other houses. And it was a good experience for them, to see how the negotiation process works.

House hunt

danbarkin — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 12:04:57 -0400

The whole bunch of us went to Wilson's Mills last night to look at a house that Hilary and Travis are considering. Both sets of parents, Hil and Travis and Travis' brother, Tyler.

It's a nice house, good condition, three bedrooms, unfinished upstairs.

These are uncertain times to buy a home. The market is very soft, as evidence by a story in today's paper. Buying an asset in a falling market, whether it is a stock or a home, can sometimes be as perilous as catching a falling knife. Timing a market bottom is tricky.

Home prices seem to be holding up here, but that may be only because sellers have not gotten sufficiently anxious to drop their prices enough. A more important indicator, I think, is the days that Triangle homes are sitting on the market. A $200,000 house that has sat there for six months may really need to be $180,000 in order to sell. People get very emotionally attached to their equity, regardless of current market conditions. But if a house hasn't sold for months, then it's probably overpriced. That is the majesty of our capitalist economic system -- it sends a very clear signal whether something is priced appropriately, i.e., is there a buyer willing to pay that price?

There's also the matter of concessions. Sellers may be sticking to their price but paying a greater share of closing costs. Or throwing in other goodies. But sometimes these concessions muddy up a transaction.

The same rules apply whether you are buying a house in a good market or a bad one. Shop around, keep a tight rein on your emotions, and get over any concerns you may have about having your offer rejected. Try to imagine, two or three years from now, if you're selling a particular house, whether you think you'll get your money out of it. Obviously, the more you pay now, the more you'll have to list it for in the future. Some future buyer won't give a hoot what you paid for it; the only thing that will matter to them is the price they're willing to pay.

Dance lessons

danbarkin — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 19:14:13 -0400

As I said back in November when I started this thing, one of my goals re: my daughter Hilary's wedding was to be able to dance with her. It looks like that's going to happen. Next month, we will start dance lessons.

The last time I took lessons was in 6th grade. I remember sort of learning but not really the box step, tango, fox trot and cha cha. Rumba, maybe. None of that stayed with me. I have not danced in a meaningful way for 40 years or so. (I am discounting whatever I may have done at parties in the '70's. Like our president, I think there's no productive purpose to discussing the 70's.)

The 6th grade girls really, really loathed dancing with us. Their lips curled. Developmentally, they were way ahead of us. For our part, this dance stuff was not anything we would think of doing short of being held at gunpoint.

No, it was regarded as stupid and taking valuable time away from hanging out.

They brought in this guy to be the instructor and a classmate's mother volunteered to dance with him. They had a great time dancing around the gym. Me, less so. Certain I am that if you want to get boys to hate something, make it compulsory and hold it after school.

All that said, I am now feeling some pressure. (Somewhere in the hereafter, my late, sainted mother is saying, "Serves him right. I paid good money for those lessons, but did he pay attention? No." Actually, that's just for literary effect. She never talked like that. She was endlessly forgiving of me.)

When you are surrounded by dancing couples, no one really can tell that you are aimlessly shuffling. When it is the dance with the bride, they can tell. ("What is he doing out there" you don't want to be hearing whispered from table to table.)

My future son-in-law Travis and Hil found a Clayton dance instructor named Raquel on the internet, and hired her services, so we will gather at the Methodist church in Room 9 for a series of six weekly lessons.

Participants will include Travis, Hilary, me, Katherine, Bill and Priscilla (Travis' parents), his brothers, Tyler and Timothy, and bridesmaids Megan and Amanda. Amanda's fiance may join us.

Here, then, are some salient details you may want to jot down as part of this home-study course.

At the reception, Hilary and Travis will dance first. Then I will dance with Hilary and, simultaneously, Travis will dance with Priscilla. I will be watching them closely during lessons so as to see where they set the bar.

After that, the rest of the wedding party will join us on the dance floor. I understand that Raquel will provide dance instruction to the assembled masses as a feature of the reception, which is actually a heck of a good idea because there may be others who have not done this in 40 years.

My turn on the dance floor will be to "My Girl" by the Temptations, released around Christmas 1964. It was actually written by Smoky Robinson, which I did not know until I did some research.

So I'm playing the song in my head and trying to figure out what you dance to it. I consulted one of my co-workers who went to Wake Forest and was a frat boy and should know. "Simple. The Shag," was his counsel.

I got on the phone and called Travis and said, hey, could Raquel teach me the Shag? And he said, sure.

But then I went on the web and looked at some videos of Shag dancers, and I don't know. It looks complicated, not something you would want to bet on six lessons. I expect that Hilary will have something to say about what we dance, it also occured to me, as she does not leave things like that to chance or Dad. We'll see.

The music

danbarkin — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 18:04:57 -0400

We went to the house of Hilary's former music instructor on Friday to hear the wedding music. Crystal and several of her students will be playing flutes. They were very good.

I recognized some of the tunes, but mostly I reflected on why I was having butterflies.

Every single time I have heard wedding music, I have been been one of the people sitting and fanning myself with a program. Friday, I heard music that will be my cue. I realized: When you are the father of the bride, the flutes mean something big is about to happen and it involves your being outside in the hallway, readying for the ceremonial walk.

The wedding musicians have three jobs. First, it's to keep the crowd entertained before the show begins. Second, it's to get the wedding party down the aisle -- meemaws, moms, the march of the bridesmaids, and, finally, the bride and the stiff in the tux.

Third, it's to get the wedding party back up the aisle after the I do's.

Sunday, we had Easter dinner at Travis' parents home, and among the guests were Pastor Vann, who is doing the wedding, and his family. After lunch, under the influence of ham and taters and my wife's exemplary orange salad, Vann and I alternately dozed and watched the tournament in the living room.

I thought in one of my moments of consciousness: there's the guy who, when Crystal and her students finish with Job #2 75 days or so from now, will look at me and ask, "Who giveth this woman?"

Hilary Barkin, prom chaperone

danbarkin — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 07:40:39 -0400

Hilary and Travis went to the Clayton prom last night. Hilary, as you know, is a teacher now at CHS. So last night she went as one of the chaperones. You know, the people who tap you on the shoulder and say, hey little Comets, put some space between you. Do chaperones still do that, even?

A bunch of the kids at the prom grew up with my baby in Methodist youth group. I'm sure they got a kick out of seeing ol' Hil keeping order at the Crabtree Marriott.

Just four years ago, she was at the prom, a high school senior. But now she's Miss Barkin.

The gift registry blues

danbarkin — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 18:35:30 -0400

So I was talking to a new bride, whom I won't name because she is a good source and I don't want to burn a source.

The other day she bought a mushroom brush, which is used to brush dirt off mushrooms, in case you thought it was a brush made out of mushrooms. Years as a journalist have taught me to be clear.

She had been waiting since she registered for her wedding last year for someone to buy her one.

Didn't happen. She got lots of nice gifts. But not the $4.95 brush.

It was the one thing she wanted, and she put off buying it. This week she finally broke down and bought it.

Gift registries should be configured so you can communicate to friends and families: I really, really want this thing. Yes, I know it's only a $4.95 item, and you want to make a statement by purchasing the most expensive doohickey on the registry, but this thing I long for, so I won't think less of you if you show up with a present under five bucks.

The Shower

danbarkin — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 13:14:11 -0400

About 50 people showed up. Hilary got a bunch of presents. Including a spoon rest. Waffle iron. Blender. Embroidered towels.

She was teased, I'm told, by her friends about all the cooking utensils she got, because of her alleged lack of cooking skills. Actually, I think she cooks ok, and if she wants to, she'll become a great cook, because she is good at figuring things out.

It was a busy weekend for her. Saturday, she took the praxis up at Rocky Mount. It sounds like a dental procedure. But the praxis is an exam that the state uses as part of its teacher licensing process.

Me, I got one of my headlights fixed and a haircut.

Shower time

danbarkin — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 15:31:38 -0400

Hil's shower, hosted by her maid of honor Mallory and one of her bridesmaids, Megan, is happening in about a half hour. I will be at home alone. I may get some details later. Or I may not.

I do ... now hand me the chain saw

danbarkin — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 07:00:37 -0400

Farmers' Almanac has a Worst Wedding Weather contest. Entrants wrote about their weather-related nuptial catastrophes. You can vote on the worst one. One of the entries is by a couple from High Point whose wedding coincided with Hurricane Fran in 1996. You can read the entry here.

We ran a Charlotte Observer story about it in the N&O.

This is why it is a good idea to have that Troy-Bilt generator listed in your gift registry. $698 at Lowe's.

Wandering around the mall

danbarkin — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 17:15:11 -0400

We get to Crabtree last night, and as we park, we discover that both of us have forgotten the name of the tux place. We knew it was at Crabtree, so that was something. On the map thingie there are two formalwear places.

We find the first one and give them Travis' name. Then we both forget exactly how to spell it, the last name, Holtzhauser. H-o-l-t.....I look at George...S? Z? He's no help. Hey, it's not an easy name.

Eventually, the guy figures out that we are at the wrong place.

So back to the map. We go looking for the right store, get lost several times, eventually find it. The guy behind the counter is wearing the tape measure around his shoulders. He finds Travis' file in the computer and says take your shirts off. He measures this way and that for the pants, vest and jacket. No cummerbund. OK by me, because they make me look like a head waiter.

How tall are you, he asks me. George starts to laugh. I am 5'8", but for some reason, I always thought I was taller than that, maybe 5'10". As George grew up, he was aware like kids are of how tall he was getting, and when he became 5'10", he realized that he was looking down at me.

There is a time in every son's life when it hits him that his father is a goofball, and that was the time. He is now 6', wiry strong, and able to walk up behind me and lift me up in a bear hug, which is something that he likes doing.

How's business, I ask tape-measure guy. Pretty good, he says. Prom season. That was the extent of the small talk. He was all brisk business and efficiency. I try to make up a story in my mind about him. How does one wind up in the tux business? But he does not invite curiousity.

We sign a lot of paperwork and hear all the wherefores and whatnots. Renting a tux is not a casual transaction. Evidently, the tux industry has a fleet of lawyers who try to think of every bad thing that can happen to the suit. It is not hard to imagine that a lot of bad things can happen, given that liquor is consumed at tux-required events.

He says come by on June 5 and pick it up. Bring it back the day after the wedding or the meter starts running at twenty bucks a day. Got it, I say.

We head for the food court. That is my tux story.

Tux (second post)

danbarkin — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 14:43:05 -0400

George, my 18-year-old, calls a little while ago. This is a transcript of the conversation for the FOTB archives.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Working so as to pay your tuition and rent at N.C. State, my second born.

Him: Can you talk?

Me: Yep.

Him: What are you doing tonight?

Me: Nothing special.

Him: Want to go get the tuxes?

Me: OK.

Him: Do you want to go get something to eat first? (i.e., want to buy me dinner?)

Me: OK

Him: So what time do you want to go?

Me: How about 7.

Him: You want to pick me up? You want to meet me there?

Me: Why don't you come here.

Him: OK. Later.

************

So never mind about Saturday.

The Tux

danbarkin — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 13:06:14 -0400

Saturday I am going to get fitted for my tux. I am taking along George. I haven't worn a tux in a long time. Maybe George and I will get our nails done afterwards. Or hit a sports bar and watch the tournament.

One of our friends informed my wife the other day that if I didn't update this more frequently, she'd stop visiting the site. Like I get paid extra for this.

OK. I'm a little on edge, what with Red Sox ace Josh Beckett having a sore back and possibly not being able to start opening day. Sorry.

Far be it from me to disappoint. I will try to be more consistent.

Truth be told, we've been having kind of a lull on the wedding front, or else I've been distracted by, let's see, my paying job?

There are 87 days until the wedding, and most everything is on schedule. Katherine and Hilary went by the wedding hall with the caterer the other day to look at the logistics. I couldn't get off work to go along.

That's all for now.

The sweetheart deal

danbarkin — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 18:17:50 -0400

As you drill down into the details of the reception, you encounter questions about seating. One of the major questions that must be wrestled to the ground is sweetheart table vs. head table.

The sweetheart table is for the bride and groom only. The head table is more like what you would see at the annual Jefferson-Jackson Day Dinner, where all the leading party hacks are seated, only in this case, it's more like the immediate family.

I like the idea of a sweetheart table, so the bride and groom have a chance to decompress a little and have some moments of privacy on a very hectic day.

There are other logistical issues involving the reception furniture. What color will the tablecloths be? Where will the buffet be set up? Where will they set up the bar? Where will they put the cake, and how soon will it be served? The location of the dance floor?

Where to live?

danbarkin — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 12:59:29 -0500

One of the big question is not on the wedding checklists: Should young marrieds rent or own?

Advantages of renting: Flexibility. If you think you might get transferred to Kalamazoo next year, rent.

Disadvantages: No tax deductions, no equity buildup. Limited space if you're starting a family soon.

Buying a home in this market is tricky. Yes, there are some bargains out there, but in a down market, you can't be sure that prices have bottomed. That $200,000 house that seemed like a steal may drop to $190,000 next year, and then you're upside down on your mortgage.

Also: Young marrieds sometimes have a tendency to buy more than they can afford, especially if they are counting on two incomes to make the monthly payment.

And, not to be condescending, but the real estate market puts a premium on knowledge and experience. Buying a house any time is a complicated transaction. The more you know, the less you pay. The less you know, the more you pay.

One thing you should always assume: You are pretty much on your own. The seller isn't looking out for your interests. The seller's real estate agent, by law, is looking out for the seller's interests. That nice mortgage lender is looking to put you into a loan that is going to generate the largest possible fees. The appraiser may be more concerned with getting repeat business from the mortgage company than whether the house is really worth that much.

There are ways, with a little research, that you can find out if a house is really worth the list price. You can fairly easily find out what similar homes are selling for. You can shop around for the best mortgage. (Stay away from adjustable-rate mortgages with low, low teaser rates that have monster resets. Do not believe anyone who says that you can easily refinance before the higher rate kicks in. That's part of what caused all the subprime mess.)

Make sure the attorney handling your settlement really knows how to do real estate transactions and isn't a bankruptcy lawyer who does a few closings every couple of years. And make sure you hire your own inspector to go over the house from top to basement, with particular attention to the roof and the mechanical systems).

This is way more important than hiring a caterer. Buying a house should not be done unadvisedly or lightly, but discretely, advisedly and soberly. Kind of like marriage, only with more implications for your credit record.